Anxiety is both my worst enemy and my closest friend. Weird I know, but I can’t remember a time in my life where anxiety didn’t feel like showing up. It found its way to become that third unwanted party in my relationship, the annoying great aunt who is always causing some sort of family drama, and the middle school bully that tells me I can’t do anything right. It has consumed an unnatural amount of my twenty four years. There is those hopeless thoughts that show their ugly head quite a lot, telling me I will never be able to live a normal life. It is quite depressing. Yet, something is making me hold on to the idea that life can and will eventually get better.
Is it strange to say I am scared of what will happen if I do get better? Will I be the same empathetic., creative, on top of it person I am now? There I go worrying again, the fun never ends. On a serious note I have truly exhausted those around me mentally. I find myself smiling and saying things are fine just because I know my loved ones are at their breaking point. I avoid making plans, I hang up the phone after talking about how great my day has been just to bawl my eyes out, I have turned down job after job because there is ” no way you can do it” as said by my anxiety.
So I reached the breaking point of over thinking and over analyzing.. also I need a full time job.. badly. I went to my doctor and was prescribed 25mg of Zoloft. Starting an antidepressant would be the opposite of fun. It is not a lie that whole ” it gets worse before it gets better”. Increased anxiety, the shakes, even suicidal thoughts. Zoloft has made me feel worse than ever. I hope that eventually I will see the benefits. I have also started therapy because I personally do not want to be on medication forever. Also the long term side effects are not too flattering.
Hopefully this does not seem like a completely pointless blog, but I want to share my journey. Writing is that one outlet where my anxiety is forced to take a back seat… its refreshing. I just want anyone suffering from any form of anxiety or depression to know.. you are not alone. We have to stick together because it is only us who will ever fully understand. So please stick by me as I try to overcome this anxiety and I promise I will stick by you.